moon-o blog-o

The path

I can say with some certainty that I haven’t felt the way I do in quite some time. I feel so drawn to God in ways I thought were gone. I had come to a place where I thought my usefulness was past and that I had missed my chance.

Now I can’t stop thinking and talking about what God is doing in my life. He’s constantly on my mind and His completely amazing grace is overwhelming to me.

I have been the person to turn away, to toss away things of value for things temporary. I have done horrible things. I have been a person lost, lonely and running from the truth. I have been the unfeeling drone that goes through the motions. The one seeking for some special truth that maybe somehow I missed.

You know, what Jesus has for us is simple. It’s grounded in his intense love for us all. Somewhere along the way I had forgotten how much God loves me. I had forgotten how much he truly adores and cherishes me. THAT is liberating.

When I run. He loves.
When I act the fool. He loves.
When I fail. He loves.

He loves through the bad.
He loves when I’m lost.
He loves despite rejection.

I’ve gone and returned.
I’ve taken and I’ve turned.
I’ve defied and I’ve hurt.

Yet, despite all of this. The One and the only. The Eternal. The Magnificent. The Holy.

He loves.

It’s funny. When I focus on loving God and loving people, the other stuff just seems to flow. I WANT to share what God is doing in me because I want others to experience what I am experiencing. We all want something MORE. Truth. Freedom. Happiness.

I’ve had little and I’ve had much. I’ve done right and I’ve done wrong. I’ve been full and I’ve been a vacuum. I must say, tossing out my religion. Getting rid of the rules and just getting back to love is the most amazing and best thing that has happened to me. I think it’s great to “know stuff” but I really just want to love God. Truly love. To love people the way God does. To be close with the One who loves me more than words can express.

It’s really hard not to sound like a total weirdo when discussing this because it is so different than what people are used to talking about. I’m still trying to understand it all myself.

I do know that I feel like I’m going the right direction again. I feel like I’m on the path.

Lowdown makes cucumber planning easy

Tonight we just finished our rails rumble site http://www.lowdownapp.com and I ran across this blog post talking about using cucumber to test Flex:

http://gravityblast.com/2009/08/20/flex-functional-testing-with-funfx-and-cucumber/

So I just HAD to do it in lowdown to see how easy it was! Of course, it was crazy simple!

Reset

It’s been a long time since I feel the way I do right now. I had become a professional Christian. I thought I had everything together. Yet over time this feeling gave way to dread at the thought of God or rather people finding out that I haven’t been living for God.

It’s so easy to attend church and even be in leadership with no heart. I can fake a smile and be dead inside with the best of them. I can be cordial and “do the right thing” because I had heard all the sermons. I knew what Jesus expected of me.

How hollow does that sound? Very.

In truth I was pretty ashamed of myself. My life had become a turnstile of faking and sinning. I think somewhere I really was miserable and really wanted to be true to God, but I acted with no heart or desire to change. I had become a double-minded person, very unstable, untrustworthy and not good for anything. I only write these things down so that hopefully it may encourage someone.

I have been on the mission trip, preached the gospel boldly in the street. I have been kicked out of my house and abandoned by friends. I have lost all things and gained an intense desire to know God. I have been in a place where I felt so strongly that God cared deeply for me and was actively taking care of me.

I have taken that love He gave and thrown it away. I have been the one to hear but not do. I have returned time and again to the same sin. To failure. I have taken what was holy and pure and tarnished it. I have been to the place where I thought there was no return. I have felt alone. Dead. Fearful. I have been without hope.

Yet. God loves.

A few months ago, it got to the point that I had to strain against the desire to cry because of what I had become. It seemed as if every single Sunday sermon was focused on me. At first, of course, I fought the urge. Then I just decided that no matter what, I couldn’t live this way anymore and if God still wanted me (of course He did), I would make a change.

I think somewhere along the way, in my desire to serve or do I forgot that the bible was for me too and that God wanted to have MY heart and MY life. AGAIN I was reminded of things God showed me in the past. Things I have apparently yet to understand even though I knew them. Simple stuff like:

Love God with all you are

I was about to type a list, but the rest doesn’t matter. I’ve really been stuck on this for the last few weeks, and to be honest, it’s where I plan on residing for a while. Love God. With everything. With every fiber. With every thought. To desire to be intimate with Him. To return to being excited to spend time with God and not watch TV or waste time with other things. To yearn for Him to be near me and to truly understand His value of me and His love. His ways.

It’s this simple thing that I feel has brought me back from the brink. I must love God. I honestly just asked God for a ‘reset’ of sorts. I needed a reboot. So I threw everything out. The good and the bad. What I need to focus on is loving God, so that’s what I’m doing.

I don’t exactly feel spiritual about it at all. I literally started reading “our daily bread” and praying along with whatever the day’s scripture was. I also began to ask God to teach me to truly love Him. Since I began this exercise, I can truly say I am changing. So much so, that a friend of mine noticed enough to comment on it.

I know this post is a bit of a ramble, but if I can share any hope with you it’s this: Throw out every formula, every idea except loving God. You see, we can have all things. Know all things. We could be pastors or servants. We could be rich and not have a financial care. But without love, it really is worthless.

Even now as I write this I want to feel God more. To know him and have Him know me more. Faith really is this mess. It’s not meant to be a system that we can sum up in 3 steps or 5 laws. We can’t explain it away with leadership lessons or howto guides. We can’t force it with making everyone a Type-A personality or will it into existence by sacrifice.

We must love God. simple. We must tear down the walls between us, the pretense that we may bring and open ourselves up…laid bare before God. We must not be afraid to not know what we’re doing and just be honest and say, “God, I have no idea what to do…I just want You. I don’t want religion anymore. Just an openness and intimacy with You that words can’t express.”

That amazing, profound doctrine to change us and the world was so simply stated by Jesus, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind”.

For now there are faith,
hope, and love.
But of these three,
the greatest is love.

Reset me, Lord.

The Button made me do it

There’s something that most people don’t know about me. I’ve been preoccupied with getting old and dying. I’m naturally a philosophical person; so I would be remiss if I failed to write down my thoughts…so here goes something.

I remember as I turned 20 a bit of mourning that I was no longer a teenager. I groaned that I couldn’t go back and I had to become a man and be “responsible”. It seems like I’ve always been wary of the future. Which is odd for a person of faith. You see, in High School I discovered what I still hold to be true (despite the times when my actions and thoughts deny it), that there is a God and that the knowing and believing of such should change my life. I’ve always been concerned about turning out on the wrong side of things and making the wrong decisions when so many people in my family have done just that. There is, of course, pressure from everywhere to have things and “be something”.  There’s no mulligan in life. We really do only have this minute (this second) and we must choose how to live it.

I think I had a few years of living without really thinking about it (what I usually refer to as coasting) during most of my 20s and early 30s. I fell into what most of us do. I awoke in the morning. Got dressed and went to work. Came home when I was off, watched TV and went to bed. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. However, ever since I turned 35 something has been bugging me. It seems that all around me are reminders that life is short and questions of what am I doing about it keep rearing their head.

I’m most certainly not happy with where I am in things. Not that I’m miserable or anything. In fact, I have a great family. I have an amazing wife and five wonderful kids. I live in a nice house and I work doing what I consider my hobby as well as what I do to pay for everything. I go to church on Sunday and I try to raise our kids to have Christian values and an honest faith. That being said, I feel there is more. Something missing.

So thoughts of what really matters have been floating around in my head and my heart seems to ache a bit for something more. Some might say, “You’ll never truly be happy until you find your true calling” and perhaps that is right. I’ve tried working at a church and found it to be more like pulling teeth than anything fulfilling.  I think the happiest I’ve been was when I was working with a good friend in youth ministry but that’s over. He’s moved on and since then I feel a bit like I’ve not had a true friend or a place that I can call home. That may sound pathetic, but my intention is to not sound all “woe is me” but to explain things. So, if you read this, then take it however you want.

At any rate, I haven’t “figured it out” or anything so grand…but I have come to a point of decision. You see, the other thought that is incessantly in my head is this: What should a true believer in Christ be like? How should he feel? What should he do? How should I have peace? Surely you can agree that if we are to guide others to be like Christ, then we should know what that “like Christ” is. My answer to that and all my other searching, fears, and loneliness (for now) is very simple. Love God.

Now I know that might sound cliché or trite (and stupid by some standards). I don’t however mean a weirdo, non-thinking drooling after an invisible being. Rather, it causes me to think back to when I had first decided that following Christ was the right way. I decided that there was no other way, no matter what.

My nightly ritual was to go alone, in the middle of the night to the bathroom in my parents’ house. I could turn on the light and not disturb anyone. It was in this odd sanctuary that I spent hours on end reading about the mysteries of God. It was also the first place that I learned to pray. I just talked. I didn’t have the churchy vocabulary that only trained professional Christians have. I just employed the simplest of words and spoke from my heart what I truly thought. I developed an intimacy that sometimes I do forget, but other times (when I whisper to my “Daddy”) it reminds me just how close I should be.

Tonight I saw Benjamin Button, which, without a doubt, would explain my thoughtfulness. But a silly movie did make me think of this: It’s not the coming or even the going, but the in between bits that really matter.

So once again, I remind myself that I can become all kinds of things. I can lose it all or I can have everything. Nothing, however, matters without a truly intimate and invigorating relationship with God.  Fortunately for me (and you too) He’s so very willing to be with us just as we are.

The Election

I’ve had so many of my friends ask why I support Obama. “Aren’t you a Christian?” “I don’t see how a Christian could vote for him..” So, here is my answer to those questions in an excerpt from an email on the matter:

“It’s not that I don’t think abortion or homosexual marriage are important issues, I believe very strongly that abortion is wrong and that marriage ordained by God is a union between a man and a woman. Those are not the reasons I support Obama and they are not the reasons I don’t support McCain. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have either of these issues and the United States would be a God fearing nation…but that’s not the case.

I don’t support McCain because I don’t believe he would be a good leader. His behavior is erratic and over the course of his stay in washington has flip-flopped on many issues. On abortion McCain has had a public voting record of pro-life for the most part. He is, however, pro-abortion in certain circumstances. In one interview he said Roe v. Wade should be overturned and in another said that he would not repeal it. I simply don’t trust that he would actually do anything to further the  Pro-life cause.

Here’s some direct quotes from McCain during past interviews/discussions on the matter:
http://www.ontheissues.org/Senate/John_McCain_Abortion.htm

As far as homosexual marriage is concerned, during the vice-presidential debates both candidates stated that they believed the EXACT same things on gay marriage. That marriage should be between a man and a woman but they would both protect the civil rights of homosexual couples. There’s no doubt that the bible teaches that homosexuality is wrong but in this case, again, I don’t think McCain as president would make a change as well. Here’s the full transcript, if you do a search you will find the discussion on gay marriage:

http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html

Since these two issues are a wash (ie. I don’t think things would change based on a McCain presidency), I’m forced to move on to other issues: the war, health care, and the future. I also have to decide on who has better judgment and who I think would make a better leader of the nation and who can get positive things done. With all that in mind, I think the best man for the job (aka. The lesser of two evils) is Obama. I feel a little uneasy about it because I’ve always just voted Republican because if you’re a Christian that’s just “what you do”.  But I just can’t support McCain’s policies and I think he is unfit for leadership.

So hopefully that sheds some light on why I look at things the way I do. I know that whatever happens, as Christians, we need to keep standing up for what is right and make a difference in our families and our neighborhoods.”

As citizens we try (well, I hope we try) to make the best decision. This election I have challenged myself to really consider what is being said by both sides. I admit that in the past I have voted Republican “just because”. I have been part of the ignorant majority that votes party lines and not issues. As a Christian I believe it is our responsiblity to be an influence by how we love others and stand up for what’s right. I also believe that Washington is not the answer. Only God, working through his people will be the true change-agents that this world needs.

Just signed up with ping.fm..seems nifty.

My Current Desktop

I’ve been messing with my current desktop setup at home. I’m using the following items from gnome-look: Elegant Brit (gtk, metacity), Brit Icons, and “Simple” GDM theme

Get Rhapsody Working on Ubuntu 8.04 and Firefox 3.0.1

Welcome to another edition of “fixing crap” on Ubuntu. To get Rhapsody working with Ubuntu 8.04, you need to follow these steps:

open terminal

cd ~/Desktop

wget http://forms.real.com/real/player/download.html?f=unix/rhapx/RhapsodyPlayerEngine_Inst_Linux.xpi

After the plugin is downloaded to the desktop, double-click it to open the xpi file with ‘Archive Manager’(AM). After the xpi file is open in AM, you will see something like nprhapengine.so. This is the actual rhapsody plugin. Drag this file from the xpi archive to your desktop.

To get rhapsody working with Firefox, you will need to move the Rhapsody plugin to the proper directory, which in this case is your ~/.mozilla/plugins directory. On my install, this directory did not exist, so we’ll create it first.

Back in terminal type:

mkdir ~/.mozilla/plugins

mv nprhapengine.so ~/.mozilla/plugins

Rhapsody should be rockin and rolling now.

Vim...we can rebuild it.

Well if you’re like me and enjoy using Vim for ruby on rails dev work in Ubuntu, then you’ve probably experienced the broken pile of poo that is the default Vim in the 8.04 repo.

So here’s a brief whatsit on how to build (and how I build) my vim from src. I’m using the default 8.04 install

Download Vim:
ftp://ftp.vim.org/pub/vim/unix/vim-7.2.tar.bz2

Prepare Ubuntu:
sudo apt-get build-dep vim-gnome

Build Vim from the vim src directory:
./configure —with-features=huge —enable-gui=gnome2

This will put a new vim and gvim in /usr/local/bin…enjoy!

Vista, huh! What is it good for?

I’ve taken the Vista challenge the last few days and I thought I would share my thoughts to the internets about it.

Background

I am a rails developer/ web designer and my wife is a professional mom, so I have a few requirements that I consider when looking at an operating system. Our daily drivers over the last few years have been Apple computers and I’m quite happy with OSX. Apple hardware, as of late, has been giving me fits (which makes me sad) but overall, I’m pretty happy. Prior to my conversion to OS X, my primary computer was a windows box with a dual boot of Linux (so, yes, I’m a bit of a geek). At the time Linux wasn’t at a stage where I could use it 100% of the time, so I’d boot into windows when needed.

Why?

So why am I even considering vista with all my love for other OSes? Well, I dropped my macbook and I had a spare desktop sitting around and a large monitor at home, so I thought I’d install something on it so I have useable computer at the house. Also, I figure, I should give Vista a fair shake. So far my only experience with Vista has been the complaints of people who run it and the computing-in-pudding feel of the computers running it at Best Buy. Obviously not a great first impression, but I’d rather find out for myself.

The Install

The install was rather uneventful. I noticed it was a bit more graphical than prior OS installs from Microsoft. After rebooting (several times) I noticed that I could not select the right resolution for my monitor (1680x1050). I downloaded a new driver from the manufacturer’s website but Vista only showed 4:3 aspect ratios. After installing the new driver, my resolution was set automagically to the right resolution, but alas, still no 1680x1050 resolution choice…FAIL…and goofy. The front headphone port on my dell box also does not work under Vista (but is fine under Ubuntu)…go figure. Apart from those 2 tiny issues, everything was good.

User thoughts

As a web developer using non-microsoft technologies (ruby, rails, apache, and vim) Vista is a HUGE failure. To get all that stuff up and running is a major pain in the neck. It’s filled with so much pain and hackery that I just refuse to do it.

My wife surfs the net, twitters, and checks her email. All web-based activities that can be done via a browser from any environment so she was fine with Vista.

Final thoughts

Vista is, in my opinion, not good for much anything at all. Aero is pretty (IMO) but with all the security issues of running a Microsoft OS and lack of developer support (for anything NOT .Net), it becomes a rather insecure lightweight environment for me. This would be fine if that’s what I was wanting, but when you add insult to injury (the crazy price that Microsoft charges for the ‘luxury’ of running their OS) it’s just not tempting to me. I can install a FREE operating system that has crazy simple install tools, amazing developer support and provides a secure computing environment for me and my family.

The world doesn’t need Vista.