30th
The Button made me do it
There’s something that most people don’t know about me. I’ve been preoccupied with getting old and dying. I’m naturally a philosophical person; so I would be remiss if I failed to write down my thoughts…so here goes something.
I remember as I turned 20 a bit of mourning that I was no longer a teenager. I groaned that I couldn’t go back and I had to become a man and be “responsible”. It seems like I’ve always been wary of the future. Which is odd for a person of faith. You see, in High School I discovered what I still hold to be true (despite the times when my actions and thoughts deny it), that there is a God and that the knowing and believing of such should change my life. I’ve always been concerned about turning out on the wrong side of things and making the wrong decisions when so many people in my family have done just that. There is, of course, pressure from everywhere to have things and “be something”. There’s no mulligan in life. We really do only have this minute (this second) and we must choose how to live it.
I think I had a few years of living without really thinking about it (what I usually refer to as coasting) during most of my 20s and early 30s. I fell into what most of us do. I awoke in the morning. Got dressed and went to work. Came home when I was off, watched TV and went to bed. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. However, ever since I turned 35 something has been bugging me. It seems that all around me are reminders that life is short and questions of what am I doing about it keep rearing their head.
I’m most certainly not happy with where I am in things. Not that I’m miserable or anything. In fact, I have a great family. I have an amazing wife and five wonderful kids. I live in a nice house and I work doing what I consider my hobby as well as what I do to pay for everything. I go to church on Sunday and I try to raise our kids to have Christian values and an honest faith. That being said, I feel there is more. Something missing.
So thoughts of what really matters have been floating around in my head and my heart seems to ache a bit for something more. Some might say, “You’ll never truly be happy until you find your true calling” and perhaps that is right. I’ve tried working at a church and found it to be more like pulling teeth than anything fulfilling. I think the happiest I’ve been was when I was working with a good friend in youth ministry but that’s over. He’s moved on and since then I feel a bit like I’ve not had a true friend or a place that I can call home. That may sound pathetic, but my intention is to not sound all “woe is me” but to explain things. So, if you read this, then take it however you want.
At any rate, I haven’t “figured it out” or anything so grand…but I have come to a point of decision. You see, the other thought that is incessantly in my head is this: What should a true believer in Christ be like? How should he feel? What should he do? How should I have peace? Surely you can agree that if we are to guide others to be like Christ, then we should know what that “like Christ” is. My answer to that and all my other searching, fears, and loneliness (for now) is very simple. Love God.
Now I know that might sound cliché or trite (and stupid by some standards). I don’t however mean a weirdo, non-thinking drooling after an invisible being. Rather, it causes me to think back to when I had first decided that following Christ was the right way. I decided that there was no other way, no matter what.
My nightly ritual was to go alone, in the middle of the night to the bathroom in my parents’ house. I could turn on the light and not disturb anyone. It was in this odd sanctuary that I spent hours on end reading about the mysteries of God. It was also the first place that I learned to pray. I just talked. I didn’t have the churchy vocabulary that only trained professional Christians have. I just employed the simplest of words and spoke from my heart what I truly thought. I developed an intimacy that sometimes I do forget, but other times (when I whisper to my “Daddy”) it reminds me just how close I should be.
Tonight I saw Benjamin Button, which, without a doubt, would explain my thoughtfulness. But a silly movie did make me think of this: It’s not the coming or even the going, but the in between bits that really matter.
So once again, I remind myself that I can become all kinds of things. I can lose it all or I can have everything. Nothing, however, matters without a truly intimate and invigorating relationship with God. Fortunately for me (and you too) He’s so very willing to be with us just as we are.
